'There's no kindness in your eyes,
the way you look at me it's just not right'
- Hilary Duff.
As I look over at you across the table, I can’t help but feel doubt creeping in from all sides. From the outside, our relationship is wonderful. You tell me that you love me every single day, you buy me flowers every week and you look after me better than I can look after myself. You even brought me to my favourite restaurant this evening as a surprise treat. I couldn’t ask for any more. You are everything I could possibly hope for. But yet, something is not right. A dark voice in the back of my mind keeps whispering: ‘Don’t be so blind’. I can’t help but feel that the interior of our relationship is not as perfect as the polished exterior. Something rotten is festering there, slowly decaying its way outwards.
A pink tulip sits on the table between us; my favourite flower. I know that you asked for that flower especially. As I breathe in its sweet aroma and scrutinise its delicate shape, I notice a dark brown spot on the underside of one of the petals. Almost imperceptible amongst the overwhelming beauty. That dark brown spot shows the beginning of the end for this tulip; the early stages of decay beginning to set in. I can’t help but feel as though this tulip reflects our relationship. Faultless and beautiful at first glance, but upon closer inspection and hidden away beneath the veneer it is flawed, damaged and temporary.
You smile at me from across the table and I am almost convinced by the affection and happiness it radiates. Almost. But there is a glint in your eye that juxtaposes your warmth. A glint that has been so well hidden for so long, that I only just perceive it. A glint which is saturated with sadness and hidden thoughts. I am too scared to confront you about this, too scared of finding out the truth, and so I just smile back reassuringly and take a sip of wine. But behind my smile, my mind is running riot, asking unanswerable questions: ‘Am I your one and only desire?’ ‘Am I the reason you breathe?’ ‘Or am I the reason you cry?’
'There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface,
- Linkin Park.
I start packing my books into cardboard boxes, wiping away the tears that continue to insist on falling. The Time Machine, The Hound of The Baskervilles, The Hobbit...all books that you bought me because you knew how much I loved reading. A wave of anger suddenly washes over me, and I start tearing pages out of the books in fury. In anger. In desperation. As a tear slowly falls and itches at my face, I violently wipe it away, scratching myself with my fingernail in the process.
I feel like you don’t want me around, like you don’t care about me. Up until now, I have bottled it all up inside me. But I can hold it in no longer. By the time you get back from work, I will be gone. You won’t even notice I’m gone. You won’t even care. You told me that you loved me and kissed me on the cheek as you rushed off to work this morning, but I know that you’re just playing a part. An Oscar winning role in the play Happy Families. Well I refuse to be your acting partner any longer. It hurts too much.
I love you with all my heart but at the same time, I think I hate you. I breathe you and I can’t live without you, but I can’t take anymore. You have made me happier than I have ever been, yet I couldn’t be any more miserable. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.
I gather up my suitcase and the rest of my things. As I walk out of your door, I don’t look back. I take a deep breath in, weighted with emotion and decisiveness, and as I slam the door, all I can hear is the sound. The noise echoes in my mind over and over. All I can hear is the sound.
‘Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend,
you have been the one, you have been the one for me’
- James Blunt.
I knock at the door that I once slammed so violently. The sound that still haunts my dreams at night. You open the door and look almost surprised to see me. Upon seeing your face again, a face that has dominated my every thought for months on end, I find it impossible to say anything. I just stare at you. Paralysed. Unable to do anything but stop and stare. You leave me speechless. I can’t believe I am seeing you again in the flesh. My mind can’t process it.
You wait for me to say something. Your look of surprise turns to one of concern. I suddenly notice that I am violently shaking all over. My emotions are getting the better of me. I’m shaking in shock, shaking in anticipation, shaking in anger. Tears cascade down my face and finally the words spit out of my mouth, full of venom and loathing. Even I am surprised at the malevolence I inject into them.
‘I loved you and you broke me. You ruined my life. I hate you! I can see my blood all over your hands. You turned me into this...monster. Does it make you feel more like a man to know that you have done this to me? Look what you have done!’
I begin to shake even more violently, unable to control or contain it. My teeth are clenched tightly together and my left eye starts to twitch. I see the fear in your eyes. You look down at my right hand and suddenly notice the pistol. Your beautiful eyes widen in shock. You open your mouth to try and say something, to try and stop me, but it’s no use. Nothing can stop me. I shakily raise the pistol to your head, determined. Tears fall from my eyes yet a grin overwhelms my mouth. Without a second thought I pull the trigger.
And all I hear is the sound.